Set The Standard & Maintain Your Position

As women we know that we can be rather delicate, however dependant on your individuality is dependent on what you actually find yourself being delicate about. I have always described myself as having a sensitive spirit and I am aware of how this affects my thoughts and emotions. There’s something about growing older that I think makes us less tolerant towards people, well not people per se but perhaps their actions. In as much as I am quite self-sufficient I understand the importance of maintaining relationships, we weren’t born to live in isolation.

Just a few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend who in passing had asked me if I had spoken to certain friends recently, to which I replied that I hadn’t and at this moment in time I did not particularly wish to do so. Obviously this lead to the inevitable question of why. As I began to explain, my words came from a place of defence. This was because I know that to some I am perceived to be rather rigid when I am displeased, therefore it causes me to become defensive towards my actions and my thought process. During my explanation, I asked my friend why I must always be the one to let things go? Why must I carry the weight of being the one who is to initiate contact? Why must my feelings be categorised as irrational? I contemplate sometimes, that if I was to not call or text certain people, would I actually ever hear from them again? It may sound extreme, but jokes apart, would I?

I do not do things in order for it to be reciprocated, I do it out of genuine love and respect for the relationship I have with the person and when it isn’t given back to me in the equivalent to that individual’s personality I begin to question the validity of the relationship. It is so important to distinguish exactly what you are feeling and why. Letting your feelings rule who you are is not advisable and it is possible to separate your emotions from your current circumstances. I am intentional about feeding my spirit and mind with positivity and love, hence why I am willing to take 5 steps back away from people and circumstances in order to protect my sanity. I will not and cannot beg anyone to maintain any position in my life. Should people wish to maintain said position then they will have to tend to it. It should no longer be good enough for us that people have all access passes to our lives just based on the length of time of friendship or because of how we know each other. Being intentional about maintaining our relationships is the responsibility of two people. So if you find yourself carrying the majority of the weight you have to ask yourself what you do for other people can they even do 10% of that for you, honestly ask yourself, can they?

My friend said to me quite firmly that, he understood how I felt and yes he will accept me taking a break but I must remain the standard. He was met with a quite frank “I’m tired of being the standard!” Again, he repeated that I can take a short break from being the standard but I must always return to being the standard. Begrudgingly I sat and replayed his words in my mind, although I didn’t admit it immediately I knew that his advice was to be adhered to. Just because someone has offended you doesn’t mean that you forget who you are and who you are striving to become. I have come a long way from the days of being a hot tempered young lady, I am now able to control my emotions to ensure that I keep my composure publicly. I want all who encounter me to encounter peace and not drama. Rising above the drama is what will make us victorious and eventually immune to the woes of life. It is more than ok to be in your feelings for whatever reason but just don’t unpack and live there. It is also important to inform the other party as to what you were upset about, it is unfair to expect better from someone if you haven’t expressed what upset you in the first place. Be thankful for relationships that are not dismissive of your feelings and aim to bring peace and not drama into your life.

You can continue to love people and show them that you are above the drama but sometimes you have to do so from a distance. It is vital that you don’t give too much of yourself away to relationships that may only be seasonal. For seasonal relationships you don’t have to explain to people why you have taken a step back, just do what is best for your sanity and let your silence speak a thousand words. Don’t misinterpret this post to be advising you to cut off your relationships. I am simply asking you to consider whether you are ok with receiving less from those whom to which you have always give more? I haven’t quite figured out my answer to this however as a Christian woman striving to be better I’m inclined to say “YES”.

You see it is important to not repay people for the pain or hurt that they have caused you. There are certain people who are in my life that if not for God I would never have spoken to them again and that is me being brutally honest. There are those who I have only just recently begun to acknowledge (something again I attribute to God) and say “Hi” to after years of forgetting their existence. It’s not that I intentionally wanted to be rude by not acknowledging their presence but I am not in the habit of getting burnt twice, once is enough for me to learn my lesson.

We must ensure that we are intentional about protecting our hearts and cultivate an environment where peace abounds. Time truly is a healer. 

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. – Colossians 3: 12-14 (NLT)


Ms Tomilola


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